In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been on a hiatus. I’m taking an indefinite amount of time off from Makiah-isms and all social media in order to refocus my life on God. For the last six months, I have been extremely distracted by life and, at some point, started serving God for the wrong reasons. I thought that if I memorized more scriptures, spent at least 30 minutes in the Word each morning, and died to myself a little more, I would earn eternal brownie points and secure a spot in Heaven (and a semi-decent spot on earth). Now that I still haven’t seen some of the things I’ve been believing God for, I’ve had to face my own desires and frustrations and reevaluate why I’m really following Him.
It’s been a confusing process to say the least. Since almost everything has been going well for me lately, I figured that I was doing this Jesus thing right. On the surface, I was on point: graduating from college, literally winning cars, finding employment, enrolling in grad school & not having to take out loans. I updated the world on all of “my” accomplishments to show them how faithful God is, completely oblivious to the fact that I was doing more harm to others’ faith (and mine) than good.
By attributing my recent “blessings” to my own righteousness and devotion to God, I communicated to everyone, including myself, that I had earned them. I legitimately started believing that God was rewarding me for all of the time and sacrifices I’ve made for Him over the years. Instead of giving credit to His unconditional amazingness, I subconsciously credited myself. Whenever I saw others struggling with sin or in life, I “reached out” to them, secretly thanking God that I was not in their situation, much like the pharisee in Luke 18:11. Looking back, my guess is that they were able to see right through my self-righteous nonsense.
At this point, all I can do is ask for forgiveness and prayer. I have done so many people a disservice by suggesting that one can earn their salvation or God’s favor. (The thing about favor is, it’s FAVOR.) I am sincerely sorry to everyone I have judged or talked down to. I’m sure that I’ve made many people uncomfortable with the holier-than-thou vibes I sometimes exude. Please know that Jesus is much more humble and selfless than I am. I’m embarking on a lifelong journey to get to know Him for myself and my hope is that you will do the same.
Thank you for reading and for your understanding. Please pray for me.
P.S. The title of this blog post was adapted from an upcoming spoken word piece by Kerri J. Parker. Thank you for lending it to me =)