I’ve been away; please forgive me. I could list 10 excuses why I haven’t been blogging lately, but the only honest answer I can give you is fear. What if all this effort is in vain? What if my blog never blows up? Am I too Christian for mainstream publications? Is this even my calling?
I write to you tonight after watching my friend, Kiara Adams, give a powerful TEDxTrousdale presentation on the dangers of comparison. I nodded to every point she made because I, too, struggle to maintain a healthy sense of self-worth. I always talk about how much I long to be around “legit people who are following their dreams,” but when I’m finally introduced to them, I hang onto their every word and immediately begin to downplay my accomplishments, deeming myself unworthy of their presence. I grow silent around them, not wanting to say the wrong thing or make an ignorant, ill-timed comment. Around people who I believe to be more intelligent or talented than me, I am often too afraid to be myself.
I recently wrote, directed, produced, shot and edited my first film. It’s a lot, I know, but to my credit, that has a lot to do with my absence from makiah-isms. I spent countless hours, sacrificing sleep and friendships in order to make this film happen only to get mediocre responses and extensive critiques from my first round of viewers. Even though I watched it a million times and gushed after the end title on each playback, the lack of enthusiasm from my peers completely shattered my confidence in my work. To be completely honest, I don’t even believe people when they tell me how much they like it. I automatically assume that they’re just trying to be nice or that they’re too far removed from the filmmaking process to provide an accurate reaction.
But that’s NONSENSE! I’ve decided that I’m extremely proud of my film and I refuse to let anyone take that away from me. Kiara awoke something in me that I’ve been missing for the last few months. In order to reach my purposed destination, I have to keep my eyes on my own path.
I may never see higher blog stats, win an Oscar or an Emmy. I may not have a boyfriend for another 5 years or win the affection of my most beloved crush. But I’m choosing to boast in the knowledge of my Savior’s love for me. He sees me in all of my mess, amidst my deepest flaws and failures and yet, He still thought I was to die for.
We simply can’t afford self-doubt; destiny is too expensive. Do you ever wonder why it’s so hard to be happy for your friends who seem to have it all together? In order to genuinely congratulate those who are doing it big, you have to KNOW that you, too, are capable of greatness. And guess what? You are!
Watch Kiara’s TED Talk here: http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=-SP1JyrVSos&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D-SP1JyrVSos