I used to claim that I didn’t have a heart. I have an icebox, I would say, dead serious. When the pain from one-way friendships and amateur relationships became too much for me to deal with, I ceased feeling. I denied myself the right to cry and made a conscious decision to stop giving to people who couldn’t return the favor, which was everyone in my opinion. I went through most of high school and college with this mindset, oblivious to what it was doing to me.
Because of a few ruthless heartbreakers that shall remain nameless, I forgot how to love myself and associated my worth with how many people I could get to call me back. After coming to Christ I struggled with this even more when my friends started disappearing. Since I wasn’t down to smoke, drink and sin with them anymore they wanted nothing to do with me. The more I pretended the rejection didn’t bother me, the deeper it festered. I started praying for real friends and in God’s perfect timing, they came!
Through them He has taught me how to trust and depend on others, something I stopped doing out of fear years ago. I used to think that there was no one fully capable of reciprocating my love because, of course, my affection was too big for anyone to top, or so I thought. Over the past year, God has used His people to show me just how wrong I was about the world. Random insight: my only reason for not wanting to get married is based in fear and selfishness; spirits that the love of my friends are helping to rid me of. (This is huge! What if God has a writer/rapper/dancer/filmmaker man that He wants me take over the world with? If I were still anti-marriage, I wouldn’t even be open to the idea. But I digress…) I never imagined that my seemingly insignificant prayer request years ago would bring me this far.
I want my friends to know that they are much appreciated. Words truly cannot capture the ways that you all have changed my heart and mind for the better. I only hope that I can one day be to you what you have been to me in your times of need and plenty. The prayers, food, donations, shoes, hair products and encouraging words mean more than you can ever imagine. I’m tearing up just thinking about how different my life would be without y’all. I’m longing for the day when God brings me into a season of overflowing abundance just so that I can share it with you all. But until then I will continue to selflessly give the gifts that I do have.
My icebox melted a long time ago, thanks to YOU! And the hard heart I once took pride in is slowly being broken down into moldable clay that He can work with.
Please listen to the song below 🙂